A love letter to not knowing, presence over performance, and Polaroid magic.

This whole space I’m beginning to cultivate here is basically an unhinged gospel + altar devoted to the magic of not needing to know.

As someone who used to be fairly addicted to needing to “know” stuff with a deep desire to “know myself” I can assure you that not needing to know all the time is way more fun and freeing. Beyond. It’s crazy. I hope you’ll join me in this excavation/playground.

KIDS KNOW WHAT’S UP

Speaking of playground— Kids show us the magic of this in the way they show up and play and are open and curious and forgiving and present — until society conditions them out of it. Presence gets replaced by performance. This space exists to help us all untangle the shit that pushes us toward that trap. Even if we are present just one more second than usual, that’s a win.

HELPFUL TOOL #1

Try and remember as often as possible that society is generally super unwell and you must question everything it’s told you is true over and over and over again. Literally endlessly. Look around. This is a no brainer. There are no “adults” in the room, so-to-speak.

Questioning over and over again also doesn’t mean arriving at some answer eventually, it means swimming in the wild uncertainty of life and death and the fact that everything we think we know or can grab into is actually an illusion.

Really, think about it. Give yourself permission to go there. Pull apart the fabric of this reality you have called reality and see it for what it is— a beautiful cosmic mess of uncertainty. An illusion of stability.

You know it’s true, it’s just paradigm shattering to admit and that’s terrifying to our egos. Let it shatter. How free do you want to be? If you say to yourself, “not this free!” then this may not be the space for you and I suggest you run now before it’s too late.

DIFFERENCE IS DOPE

Seriously. Not everyone can handle having their paradigms shattered and I respect that. No one is better than or worse than anyone here. We are all just different. Difference is dope. We get to be at various levels of consciousness and we all get the agency and dignity to grow in awareness at the time and space that feels appropriate for us.

I do think we ultimately suffer less the more we embrace this ego death shit, and I would like you to suffer less, but to each their own. Free will is a part of the cosmic gag.

The thing is, if I do what I think I’m being asked to do, this space will leave you with more questions than answers, and that might piss you off. That pisses a lot people off. I know, and it’s okay. This world loves arriving at answers and grabbing onto whatever it can to make itself feel real and valid and valuable. I get it, I really do. But it’s a trap.

FRIENDLY REMINDER

You are valid and valuable just for existing. Capitalism likes to make us all think otherwise but it’s a lie. See through it. Reprogram yourself. It takes time, but it’s possible. And it frees your mind and that shit is the real freedom we’re talking about.

Like my homie Michel Foucault said, “I’m no prophet. My job is making windows where there were once walls.”

That’s all I hope to do here is make some windows with you all. Or like one of my other favorite people Dr. Tripp says, “to expand the horizon of possibility.”

I don’t know shit. Except that we are all dying.

I’m just a queer kid over here living and loving and making art as best as I can one day at time. I’ve read a lot, and lived a lot, but nothing I’ve said thus far is new— it’s just the way I have alchemized and digested things and now share from my experience + lens.

BUT SERIOUSLY, EVERYONE IS DYING

Let’s be real— the deep dark truth under all of life, that we all struggle to accept, is that we simply have no idea what the fuck is going on, and we’re all going to die, and it matters that we are here for this split second in the life of soul, and also at the same time, it doesn’t.

What are we supposed to do with that?!

I don’t know, let it free you? Let the unknown drop you into the only truth we ever have—this moment is all that exists? Like actually.

The past is a story we tell ourselves and the future is a story we tell ourselves. Eternity is now. This moment. The only moment. You’ve heard it before and I’m saying it again because sometimes it helps to hear it from different voices.

When we stop disconnecting from our bodies, and living in our minds, it becomes easier to drop into the precious present. And when we do, life gets psychedelic.

Best part? No drugs required. It gets so real and beautiful and fucked up that every second becomes the greatest goddamn adventure into the unknown. But this shit takes radical honesty and the courage to embrace uncertainty— and you guessed it— be willing to not know what’s happening or going to happen.

USE THE TOOL, DON’T LET IT USE YOU

Our minds are meant to be a tool to be used when needed, not the other way around. But look, we are all disembodied for very real reasons (trauma, conditioning, etc) and those can’t be bypassed so don’t try. Just try to be open. Just try to remain curious.

Because again, the moment we think we know something, we’ve fallen into a trap. Every time I say, “Oh I’d never do that…”

BAM.

The universe humbles my ass and shows me that I know nothing. I am the universe’s bitch now and I love it.

Okay, yeah, anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself, but that’s a decent run down of what’s going to be happening here in this and on the podcast. Embracing humility, exploring the wild unknown, cultivating solidarity with one another, all while questioning the status quo.

I will be modeling all these things in real time by not over-preparing and just showing up very imperfectly and learning as I go. It may suck. It may be awesome.

I don’t know. And it’s okay.

DISCLAIMERS

1.) I’m not a therapist, professional or even an educator of any sort. If you are struggling or need help, seek professional support. It takes a village for any of us to function. I’m just a flawed feral learner creating a space that I wish existed for previous versions of myself. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

2.) I’m a queer femme (she/they) presenting white person who tries to be aware of my privileges but sometimes fails. This is a safe and inclusive sanctuary-style community we are cultivating together and it’s safe to fail. I will make mistakes, and say shit I regret, and likely have to apologize regularly. I’m simply a loving human trying to do my best to unlearn bogus shit too and we do that best in community.

3.) Even if it’s ultimately just my three closest friends it’s important to note that there is a strict anti-hate of all kinds + no asshole policy. Sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc are not welcome here. I believe in collective liberation and that everyone’s freedom and safety matters. For example, I’m against anti-semitism and I’m hard-core Pro-Palestine. These things aren’t up for discussion here. There is a genocide happening and it’s fucking wrong. This is base level shit. Be down with it or get out.

OK, BUT SYLVIA, WHY POLAROIDS?

Right, right, back to the promise of how this all connects to Polaroids.

Film in general really— it can’t be controlled, not really. I’ve been shooting Polaroids and film for like 20 years. Because the chemicals react to the way light hits it, and you have to wait for development, there is literally no way of knowing how it will turn out. That is what makes it magic. And fun. Not knowing. Waiting to see how all that organic matter and timing collided in a moment to capture something alive that cannot be replicated.

I started this project back in 2007 where I took one Polaroid a day for a year and wrote a journal entry. I did it again in 2012, and then again in 2021, and I returned once again in Feb of this year. This project changed my life.

Dorothea Lange said it best, “A camera teaches you how to see without a camera.”

Polaroids, and their imperfect magic, are the gift that keeps on giving. I allow myself to take only one, maybe two once in a blue moon, because this helps me stay present in the day and really consider what I’d like to capture. It makes me notice everything with curiosity of a kid. It helps me be more present. And because the tool is so simple, and hard to control, I don’t get caught up in the pictures needing to be good.

PLAYGROUND RECOMMENDATION FOR YOU

I’m not going to say any more than that for now, but instead encourage you to try it for a week. You can even do it with your phone. If you could take only one picture a day, what would it be of and why? Give yourself the limit of just one for one week.

As someone rad once said, “Limitations make us limitless.”

STAY TUNED FOR PODCAST

Okay more soon. First podcast episode next week.

Stay loving, honest, ungovernable, and most importantly, stay incorruptible because then the other shit is a lot easier :)

Love,

Sylvia